Squirrels 101

This is an unfinished guide to squirrels for humans by humans. The purpose of this guide is to educate you of  Squirrel Scripture,  a set of rules and expectations found in the Squirrel Scrolls.

In General
To ensure peace and order between the you and the squirrel gods, we suggest just giving up now.  They are better than you and can prove it. [see §27-5.12(b) 'Causing Havoc']

Sacrifices & Expected Contributions
To maintain stability of the space-time continuum one must believe in The Golden Taco, actively follow the Squirrel Scriptures and know how to fucking drive a motor vehicle. According to Squirrel Scripture, one must pray to the Squirrel Gods a total of 114 times per day. Not a single time more or less. [see §721-3.1(d) 'Being Lazy vs Showing Off']

You will also be expected to contribute to the well-being of worldly-bound squirrels. Such contributions are, but not limited to, popcorn, birdseed and Pop-Tarts®. If you have Pop-Tarts®, you must bring the kind with frosting. Strawberry filling seems to get you bonus points. [see §3-14.23(a) 'Strawberry Pop-Tarts® seem to get you bonus points']

Dislikes and General Grievances
Squirrel Scripture tells us that Squirrels, both blessed and worldly-bound, hate websites that abuse flash or have any kind of splash page and/or animated gifs.

All Type XVII Squirrels work in labor unions due to being worldly-bound. Freedom for them is not fully obtained until they have increased their bike skill past 20%. Distractions, which are introduced by people trying to harm or feed them, is enough to cause a temporary Squirrel Strike. The worst strike in history was recorded back in the summer of ‘72 when squirrels fled from ‘The Big Tree’ for more than 10 minutes as a Frisbee was retrieved. A tragic loss. Fft.

Squirrel Speak
You must learn to speak it to understand the rest of this document. Ffft fft fffft ffft fft. Ff, ft fft ft. Fffft fft fft, “fft fft fft.” Ffft fft fffft ffft fft. Fffft ffft fft. Ff, ft fft ft.

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